Forsaken Love
by ForeverFallen304
Summary: I had no will left in me to act for you, not any longer. Even I had my limits, and at this moment, I was immeasurably over that limit. I wished that you would always be my friend, forever... I would never regret a wish more than the one I made that day.
1. The End

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 1 - The End

Large stained glass windows in every direction. Light shinning through beautifully, coloring the inside with all shades of the rainbow.  
Garlands of flowers lined the tops of the balconies of the church and then down, wrapped around the large columns.  
People, all so formally dressed, filtered into their seats. So many people, it made me realize just how large families could be.  
The red, unrolled carpet laid abandoned in the center of the aisle. Waiting, just waiting for the moment it would be showered in petals and have the innocent and loved walk over it.

…How much longer was that exactly? My brain could register it. None of this really meant anything to me.  
The room must have had a quiet chatter among it, though I heard nothing.  
I only felt…and all I felt was pain and emptiness…

The small weight in my hand grew heavier with ever breath I took. Which only, in turn, increased the weight in my heart.

A hand touched my shoulder and slowly, slowly I turned to meet your eyes. Full of joy, light hopes, and promises…none of it for me, but for the future you would have after this moment.

You…you were the one who gave me this burden I held in my hand. Why that was, I feel I will never understand.  
Do you think I could blame you for the burden in my heart as well? Something you know nothing of?

You smiled at me, but I was unable to return it. I had no will left in me to act for you, not any longer.  
Even I had my limits…and this moment, I was immeasurably over that limit.  
All that smile said to me was a promise; a promise that this was the end. The end of my own hopes and dreams, my illusions of having anything more than what I have with you, at this very moment, gone.  
I had to face the truth and have my world end…for your happiness.  
I've done so much for your happiness that…I think I might have killed my own chances of ever having some of my own.  
Though it was through no fault of yours…only mine.

I turned away from you and looked back to the tall double doors that she would pass through soon enough.

No, it was all my fault. Everything that happened, that I felt, that I wished for…you weren't to be blamed or burdened with.

I had decided that long ago to never burden you with it.  
It's just…that it's_ so much_ to carry on your own.

I felt tears sting my eyes, threatening to fill them and fall, but I only breathed and willed them away.

_Hold onto to that pain…just for this moment. Don't wreak this for Zack. You can hold it together, just a little longer…__**please **__hold on…_  
I begged of myself.

I closed my eyes and felt my heart throb painfully with every beat it took. I counted those beats until I reached ten. I breathed again and opened my eyes.

This was the very last chance I had, but I wouldn't take it. It was far, far too late, and I wouldn't hurt you like that. I wouldn't.

Instead I stared off at those tall burnt umber colored double doors, and the red aisle before it, all within that hue light. So beautiful, it really was.

Tears stung again as my vision blurred as memories of you flooded in.

For that moment I was gone…  
I wasn't in that painful moment that forsaken me.

No…I was with you, on that day we had met.  
When I was still innocent, when I was still happy.  
When chances where everywhere and time together was endless…


	2. The Day We Met

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
The Day We Met

-

The day we met, it was a bright and sunny day at the lake where my parents loved to camp.  
While my parents loved it, I was always rather bored.  
I was wandering through the campgrounds when I first ran into you, quite literally actually.  
I apologized fiercely, embarrassed by how little attention I had been paying to where I was going, but you only smiled at me saying '_It's fine, it's fine._' Over and over, until I stopped apologizing and my embarrassment faded.  
When I had seemed to have calmed down, you asked for my name.

_"Irvine Kinneas."_ I said, with a smile, extending out my hand.

You smiled back. It was then, when I first noticed your eyes. I remember thinking they were so beautiful…like the blue sky, except so much brighter…and warmer. Even kinder…

You took my hand,_ "Zack Fair"_ you replied, your smile as bright as then sun.  
Even your voice was kind, and so full of life.  
I thought my breath caught.  
_Maybe,_ I thought then, _it was all in my head…_

We spent the rest of that day together, and then all the next few as well.  
I never laughed so much in my life. I never had so much fun in my whole life.  
I had never been so happy.  
I had never felt more in sync with another person, ever, the way I felt with you.  
I was happy. I was so happy…

Then we said goodbye.  
It was early one morning when I stopped by your family's campsite to see you.  
You were helping your father hook up the camper to the truck. Your mother was standing by watching. She happened to turned and noticed me. Moving to your side, she touched your shoulder and spoke to you. You glanced over, you saw me, gave me a warm smile, and turned back to finish helping your father.  
You finished, he ruffled your hair, you turned to me with a smile, and walked over to me. Your smile started to fade when you saw the expression on my face. I don't know how I looked then, only what I felt: confused, hurt, …lost.  
_Where were you going?_ I wondered. _Where you going to leave without telling me?_

_"I'm sorry." _You said through a sad smile, _"I forgot we were leaving today."_  
You waited patiently for my response. But I couldn't speak, couldn't form words, couldn't even think of what to say to that.  
You were leaving…and I would never see you again…

When my expression didn't change, when I made no reaction to the words you spoke, you took me into a warm embrace.  
I reacted then. My eyes watered and I held you back, gripping onto you. Thinking if I held on tight enough…you wouldn't go.  
Why was I so sad to see you go? I didn't understand it.  
It was _killing_ me…

You pulled me back after…an amount of time…I don't know how long you held me for, all I knew was, it wasn't long enough.

You pushed a piece of paper into my hand then. I looked at it, all it read was Zack and underneath it was a number sprawled out. I looked to you dumbfounded and you only replied with a smile, _"Call me sometime."_

Part of me realized then: you knew I would come.  
Though it made me happy you knew I'd see you off. That you left a line of communication in my hand to you… though it all should have made me happy…  
I was shattered, numb, and couldn't move.  
And a part of me also knew I would never use that number…  
Because I wouldn't have the courage to…

Your parents called out to you then, I don't remember what they said, only that it must have been something like 'we're going' since you gripped my shoulder and said, _"Goodbye, Irvine."_  
And then you were gone. You hopped into the back of the truck. Your father started to drive off. And you only smiled at me, waving goodbye.  
I felt my empty hand raise to return the gesture, though I didn't recalled meaning to.  
Then the truck rounded the corner…and you were really gone…

I was numb. I couldn't move for a long time. I couldn't understand why…  
And then it hit me:

That connection I felt with you, was like being with your other half. Someone that just_ got _you. You understood me completely without even needing to try. Like we had known each other all our lives, though we had only just met.

…And it would all mean nothing, now that you were gone.  
And I knew, I would never feel that sense of completion again…

I felt like I had lost my best friend…  
Though I knew I shouldn't feel this way over someone I had only known for a few days.  
…Though they were the happiest days of my life. And I knew I would never forget them, or you…

Zack Fair…  
I was happy that we had met, so very happy, really…  
I just wish…  
We didn't have to say goodbye.


	3. The Unkept Promise

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
The Unkept Promise

-

The next time we met, I couldn't have been more caught off guard…

A month had passed since that weekend we had spent together over that summer.  
A whole month…and I couldn't pick up that phone, as I had known I wouldn't have been able to.  
I still had your number. I held it almost everyday, trying desperately to gain the courage to dial it. Just so I could hear your voice.  
Why was I so scared?  
Maybe it was the fear that you didn't really want me to call you. Maybe I would have bothered you if I did.  
I didn't want that. I didn't want to taint or tarnish the memories we had made…  
So I put the paper you gave me away in my wallet, I set the phone back on the hook, and told myself it was for the best. And I never called you…

Now the summer was closing, coming to an end. I'm not sure if it fazed me really…  
I usually spent the rest of my summer with my friends, enjoying every minute. Dreading the coming weeks until school. But it wasn't like that this summer. When I came home with my parents, I felt like had lost a part of myself, a part I never even knew was missing…it was silly, I know. But it was how I felt.  
I pushed myself to see my friends, hang out, do all the usual things, but it wasn't the same. I found myself constantly lost in thoughts…thoughts of _you_.  
My friends said I seemed distant and off in my own world most of the time.  
I tried my best to smile and joke it off. I don't know if they ever really bought it though…

But then summer did end…  
And then came my freshman year of high school.

The school was huge. Four floors, including the basement floor, and I was utterly lost.  
Finding my classes was like hell. My only hope had been that maybe I had a class with one of my friends, preferably Selphie or Zell, but no. I had not a single class with any of my friends, and here I was: third period, already 15 minutes late for class, and I had no idea where I was.

And that's when it happened…

I was standing in the stairwell, trying to decipher the school map, when someone ran into me, full force, coming down from the floor above. I dropped my books and grabbed hard onto the railing so I would go down after them, and I landed back onto the stairs, hitting my butt, hard, off of one of the steps. I groaned and moved to recover my books when a voice called out to me in a panic,  
_"Fuck, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"_

I froze when I heard the familiar voice. I then felt a hand clasp my shoulder as the person moved themselves in front of me.

We saw each other, and neither of us could speak. We only stared at each other in utter disbelief.

_"Irvine?"_

You asked me incredulity. Asked, though you knew.

I couldn't speak, I was too much in shock, though I recall managing a nod.

You stared at me blankly a moment longer and then pulled me into a warm embrace.  
I couldn't breath, though my heart was beating so fast…  
It felt like a caged bird, beating its wings…  
_Why is it beating so fast…?_  
I recall wondering.

_"Man…" _you said,_ "I never thought I'd see you again."_

When I didn't respond, you pulled me back, giving me one of those amazing smiles of yours, and my heart skipped a beat.

_"What are you doing here?"_  
You asked through your smile, and I didn't respond.  
_"Hey…"_ you said, your smile vanished as you leaned closer to touch my face and gently press our foreheads together. You closed your eyes for a moment, and I felt my face grow warmer under your touch. Your face was so close…  
After that moment passed, you open your eyes, looked into mine, and smiled._ "Nope, no fever."_  
I blinked at you in confusion and you pulled away, laughing lightly.  
_"Your face was so red, I thought you might have been sick. But I guess you're just happy to see me, huh?"_

I felt myself blush more as I open and closed my mouth, trying to think of what to say, but I couldn't think of an excuse. It was you. I was flushed because of you.  
_Was I just happy to see you?_ I wondered  
_But then why did my heart…do that…?_  
Then I looked back to you. You were just sitting there, watching me amusedly.  
Then, out of no where, everything that I had felt for you, that I had pushed away and buried, resurfaced, and I jumped you. I launched myself into your arms, with such force, I knocked you off your heels and caused you to hit your back and head, hard, off the stairwell wall. You groaned in pain, but I only pressed myself closer to you, as close as I could. Holding you to me as tight as I could.  
I had missed you so much. So much it _hurt_.  
I thought I was going to cry, I was so happy.  
The missing piece of my soul was in my arms.  
I swore to myself then, that I would never let you go again.  
I would never let you leave me.  
That I would never be without you again.  
Because it hurt too much…

…I had no idea then, how much I should have held onto that promise.  
If only I had known then, what I realize now…  
If only I had **done** _something_….

I just wish…  
I had kept that promise….


	4. Hidden Desires and A Foolish Wish

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
Hidden Desires and A Foolish Wish

-

You pulled me back and smiled at me. You made a comment but I don't recall what it was. Then you stood, pulling me to my feet with you. You helped me gather my books and you took me to my class.

On the way we talked. You asked me about my summer, I recall not responding with much…  
You seemed so happy that I was going to the same school as you. You were a junior this year. You were 16 and I was 14 at the time.  
You teased me about how you were 2 years older. Though I knew you were only joking, I still felt the need to defend myself; stating that in two months I was turning 15.

_"So, really, we're only like a year apart…"_

I stated, my face warm. I knew I was being childish.

I also realize now, that I was wrong. We were _still _close to 2 years apart…

Though you never pointed that out, you didn't embarrass me.

You only smiled at me and asked when my birthday was.

I flushed more and looked away as I mumbled my response, _"…The 24th of November…"_

I couldn't see it, but I could feel it…you smiling at me.  
_"Well, you're going to invite me to your party right?"_

I looked to you, shocked, _"You'd want to go?"_

_"Well, duh. We're friends aren't we?"_

I looked away again. I was embarrassed. I really thought my being younger would turn you away from me. Make it so you wouldn't want to be friends with me. But you didn't care.

_"…My birthday is two months away…"_

"I know, but I'm invited, right?"

I shrugged, not lifting my eyes from the floor, _"Sure…I mean…if you really want too…"_

You just laughed and pulled me into another warm hug. _"Of course, Irvine."_

We reached my class soon after that.  
We both paused outside of the classroom. It seemed like neither of us were ready to part ways.

_"So…"_

You began, though nothing else followed.

_"Oh!"_ you began again, _"Would you like my number again? We should hang out sometime."_ You moved to search your self for a pen it seemed, but I stopped you.

_"No."_ I started, and you looked to me a little confused.

_"I still have your number…"_ I said, flushing, facing away from you._ "Oh, but…"_ I moved to grab my notebook but stopped to meet your eyes. You were watching me curiously, when our eyes met.

_"Would you…want **my** number…?"_ I asked, hesitantly.

You blinked but then smiled, your beautiful smile.

Oh how I loved your smile, even then.

_"Yeah, sure!"_

I shifted my books until my notebook was on top, and a quickly scribbled out my number and address. I ripped the paper out quickly and handed it to you.

_"Call me anytime…"_

I said it rather forwardly, almost begging.

You only smiled, _"Yeah, I will."_

Then we looked to my classroom simultaneously and then back to each other. I knew we were thinking the same thing: We needed to get back to class.

We were always like that. Always on the same wavelength…

We smiled to each other, both forced. We didn't want to stop talking. We didn't want to separate just yet.

_"See you around, Irvine."_

"Yeah…see ya, Zack."

We stood there a moment longer. Then as you moved to leave, I pulled you into another embrace. You seemed surprised by it at first, but gladly held me back.  
You felt so nice…

We separated then, gave each other real smiles, and parted ways…

After that, everything seemed to fall into place.  
I introduced you to my friends and you all got along so well.

It felt like everything in my life was right, because you filled in the missing gap.  
You completed me so much, in so many ways. I don't think you could ever truly understand how much you meant to me...  
I started to smile again.

_Smile_…which I hadn't truly done since our time together over the summer.  
When my friends learned of how we had met over the summer and they noticed the rapid change in me whenever you were near, or the aftereffect you left me in when you'd go. They knew something was up.  
They told me how happy I seemed whenever you would come by. How I seemed more myself ever since you and I were reunited.

Then one morning, they asked:

_"Why is that, Irvi?"_ Selphie asked, leaning toward me, watching me closely.

_"Yeah really Irvine. I never see you smile like that when I say hi to you."_ Zell commented on the side, while trying to build a card tower on the cafeteria table.

_"Who'd be happy to have you greet them, chicken-wuss."_ Seifer commented on his way by, knocking over Zell's card tower in his wake. Zell growled out in frustration and glared at Seifer, who only laughed in response.

Then I looked to Squall. Though he remained silent, though he never verbally asked me anything about you - his_ eyes_ did.  
Whenever you came up to me, and I would fall upon cloud nine, I would sometimes notice Squall watching. His eyes slightly widening in the change he saw, then go back to normal, though his questioning gaze would remain.  
Even then, at the table, he was watching me, silently, under that curious/questioning gaze, his stormy eyes swirling.  
He probably understood, even then, why I reacted the way I did when I was with you.  
Even before I did…

I shrugged and smiled at Selphie,_ "I don't know what you mean, Sel. We're just friends."_

Selphie looked as though she wanted to disagree with me, but just as she was about to voice it, the bell rang and I was saved. I quickly got to my feet.

_"Well I don't want to be late. See ya guys!"_ I smiled at them, waving. Just as I turned to go, I bumped someone. Looking up, I found it was you.

_"Oh, hey Zack."_ I said, surprised to see you.

You smiled, _"Hey. So yeah, its your birthday this weekend, right? When's the party?"_

I blinked for a moment, _my birthday..?_  
My birthday was this weekend? It was November already?  
I opened my cell phone and checked the date.  
_Thurs Nov 22_, it read.

I blinked, and mumbled,_ "My birthday's this weekend…"_

You raised an eyebrow, _"You're surprised?"_

I looked to him dumbfounded, _"Yeah."_

You blinked and laughed, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, pulling me along with you, _"I cant believe you forgot your own birthday."_  
I shrugged, looking to the floor, my face growing warm from your touch.

_"So?"_ you asked, _"What're your plans?"_

I shrugged again, _"Me and my friends will probably just hang out at my place Saturday…"_

_"No party? No cake?"_

I looked up to you and smirked, _"You just wanted to go for the cake, didn't you?"_

You looked off with an expression similar to one of a child who was caught doing wrong. I only laughed, since I knew how much you loved sweets, though it was the same with me.

You faced me again and smiled, _"But seriously, you guys are just going to hang out for the day?"_

I looked back to you,_ "Well, yeah. But my mom always brings cake home, so you can still stop by for some."_ I replied with a smirk.

_"I didn't want to just go for the cake!"_ You exclaimed.

I laughed, _"Sure, sure."_

_"So, what time should I come over?"_

I looked back to you, then away, embarrassed, _"Whenever you want…It's not a set time thing. People just show up, we hang out, eat cake, they go home…" _

I looked to you, _"You really don't have to go if you don't want to, Zack. I mean, I'm happy that you remembered but if have other plans-"_

_"Irvine…" _You stopped walking and looked to me, your eyes serious, and then you just smiled, _"Why would I ask you about all these questions if I didn't really want to go?"_

I was quiet, and I only stared at you, unsure what to say. You only continued to lead me down the hall, your arm still around my shoulders.  
_"So I'll stop by around noon then. Alright?"_ You said with a smile as you released me in front of my class.

I only nodded, my face felt warm.

You only nodded your head, _"Saturday then. See ya latter, Irvine." _

You waved and walked off to your own class. It took the bell to ring again for me to fall out of the trance of staring off after you. Then I blinked and rushed into my class.  
I remember wondering how long this friendship of ours would last…  
I also remember being deathly afraid of finding out.

Then came Saturday…  
My friends came early, just so they could wake me up. Squall was there as well, but they probably dragged him along, as they always did.

_"Happy Birthday Irvine!"_

They exclaimed in my room, scaring me out of my dreams and my bed.  
They only laughed as I groaned in pain.  
They left me alone long enough to dress and then we all went downstairs.  
We just hung out for hours, playing video games, talking, screwing around. Though I had fun, I couldn't stop wondering if you were going to come…  
I constantly was looking to the clock.

_"What's wrong, Irvi?"_ Selphie asked me onetime when she noticed me glancing to the clock.

_"Oh. Nothing…" _

_"Mm mm. You've been looking to the clock all day. You waiting for us to leave or something!" _She exclaimed, hurt.

_"No, no Selphie! I want you guys here all the time. Why would I want you to go?"_

It was true. It was a rare occasion indeed to have all my friends together at one time. Selphie and I always hung out, and Zell was free most of the time, but as for the others…Quistis was always busy studying, Squall hated anything that required socializing with others, and Rinoa was always with Squall. So, besides school, there were birthdays and a few choice holidays where we would all plan out the day together. Though Rinoa always had to force Squall along.

So Selphie should've known it wasn't anything like that, I would never want that.

_"Oh…" _She said, then after a moment of watching me, she added,_ "So you're waiting for Zack to show then?"_

I nodded, though embarrassed that I was caught.

_"…You really like him don't you, Irvi?"_

_"Well, yeah, he's a really cool guy."_

_"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, you really** like** him."_

I was starting to get nervous, though I was in denial, I think part of me did know, but at the same time I didn't want anything to change…I didn't want you to know…

Then there was a knock at the door. Saving me from that dreaded question. I remember rushing to my feet, basically running to the door. Running away from Selphie, her questions, and my heart.

Now that I think about it, how strange it was that you arrived just in the time to save me from Selphie. Save me from having to figure out all the confusing feelings you made me feel. Made it so it would take almost a year longer for me to confront those feelings…

I opened the door and was greeted with your smiling face. I smiled in turn, how could I not? With you there.  
I was so happy, so relieved.  
Then I noticed blonde spikes protruding from beside you and looked to find, what had to be, the cutest boy I had ever seen. He was so adorable, petite, and feminine. His innocent eyes looked up and met mine. He flushed and looked away. I only blinked at the golden haired angel at your side, unable to react.

_"Oh," _you responded when you notice me staring at your friend blankly.  
You wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close, seeming to startle, embarrass, and annoy the boy immensely. He immediately tried to shove you away. I smiled, he was too cute.

_"This here --stop that Cloud-- is my best buddy, Cloud! I hope you don't mind that I brought him along. You see, he always gets so lonely and he really has horrible social skills, soo I thought it would be good for him if he came along."  
_  
I smiled at you both, _"No, I don't mind. But boy is he cute! Is** he** my present?"_

Cloud flushed while you seemed to think it over.

_"Well…"_ you started, _"I donno. I'm pretty attached to him myself…"_

I laughed, _"I'm joking, c'mon inside."_

I stepped aside so you two could enter. When you did, I took Cloud by the shoulders and lead you both into the living room.  
_"Everyone? Hey, guys!"_

They all turned to me and then to the little blonde at my side. Then the girls squealed, _"Irvine, who's that adorable boy?"  
_  
Cloud blushed terribly, I smiled at him then turned to them, _"This is Zack's friend Cloud."_

_ "Aww, he's so cute. What a cute name."_

I scanned the room and I recall my eyes stopping on Squall. It was because he was staring,_ staring _at Cloud…in awe.  
I had never seen that look on Squall's face,_ ever_. And, when I looked back to Cloud, I found him shyly returning his gaze.  
It was too cute.

I nudged Cloud and he looked to me.  
_"Why don't you go talk to him?"_ I whispered.

Cloud shook his head, flushing more. I figured the fact that Rinoa had taken residence on Squall's lap might have been the reason Cloud was rejected the idea so completely. So I added:

_"Cloud, that girl over there. She and Squall are just friends. Well, best friends, but friends all the same. It's okay if you go say 'hi' to him. I mean, it sure likes he wants to talk to you."_

Cloud shuffled his feet uncomfortably.  
I smiled at him and then turned to Rinoa and gestured her to come over as I pushed Cloud ahead, _"Go on."_

I was so proud when he finally budged and began to make his way over to Squall. I felt like I would be responsible for helping them both become friends. It was a nice feeling.

Rinoa came to me, _"What is it Irvine?"_

I looked to her, _"Oh, hey Rinoa. Sorry, I just thought these two looked like they wanted to make friends and the blonde is a little cautious with you there. So I was thinking we should just leave them alone to make friendly. Since they are both rather bad at socializing."_

Rinoa laugh,_ "Well isn't that a reason we **shouldn't** leave them alone?"_

I laughed in turn, _"Maybe, but wont it be more entertaining to just watch them try and hold a conversation on their own?"_  
_  
"All, right, you win."_

_"When do I not?"_

_"Ha ha, very funny."_

I smiled and scanned the room,_ "…Rinoa, did you see where Zack went?"_

_"I thought I saw Selphie pulling him off toward the kitchen."_

_"The kitchen? …Selphie!?"_ I ran to the kitchen, I was so scared of what she might say to you.

When I came in, I saw you both over by the table where all the snacks were. You and her were looking to each other and she was talking to you about something…seeming to be asking you something…  
My heart dropped and I couldn't stop myself, _"What are you doing!?"_

You both jumped and turned to me with a look of shock. Though I suppose that was my own fault, for yelling out like that.  
Selphie smiled and hugged your arm,_ "Nothing, Irvi~ Zack was just hungry so I brought him to the snack table, right Zack?"_

_"Mm…" _was all you responded with. Though I didn't notice. I was too busy obsessing with the fact that she was touching you. All these different feelings were coursing through me: pain, anger, longing…and something else…something I didn't recognize, though it was the stronger that the rest of the feelings…it was such an ugly feeling…  
Was it…_jealousy_?  
Yes…yes it was.  
Though I would have never admitted it then..  
Not even for a second.

_"Oh…"_ was all I responded, my eyes not moving from your arm.

Suddenly the arms encasing yours pull away. Selphie must have noticed my stare, I realized this belatedly as I looked up to your face. I must have been giving myself away so easily, I couldn't even control what emotions were coloring my face at that moment. I felt like an open book, laid before your eyes, bearing its secrets. Though the language in which it was written must have been foreign to you, since you couldn't understand it. You couldn't understand…

But if you did, even by the slightest, were you pretending you didn't? Did you not want to see how deeply taken I was…with you? Did you just not want to see it? Did you…?

I wonder what my face said to you at that moment. My thoughts? My feelings? Or was it the painful questions running through my head?:

_Did you like her touching you?_

Would I ever be able to touch you like that?

Why do I feel like this?

I want you to hold me

Hold me…

Why wont you hold me?

Why wont you speak?

Why cant I move?

Why do I feel this way?

I feel sick…

I don't want to feel like this

I don't want to you go away

I don't want to…want you

_"Irvi?"_ Selphie called to me, but I didn't respond. Though I heard her, it was like my brain would register it.

I just stood there, my eyes still locked on you.

_"Irvine?"_ It was you who addressed me that time. I blinked when your lips moved and I registered you said my name.

Finally, it was as though your voice had broken the spell I was under, and I was able to move again. But with the spell broken came the realization and pain that followed. I knew you would never feel for me the way I felt for you. You would never…

Though I pushed this all to the back on my mind, refusing to believe any of this was real, refusing to believe even my own feelings, my heart still gave a throb with every beat.  
It still throbbed because even if I wouldn't acknowledge my own feelings, my heart knew the truth, all of it, and it hurt…it hurt_ so_ much…

I threw on a smile, which took more effort to pull off than I thought it should. Then, I rubbed the back of my head and laughed, trying to keep it from turning into a sob as I spoke, _"Sorry, Zack. Me and Sel were talking earlier and she said she was going to tell you embarrassing stories about me. So I kind of freaked out and over reacted. Sorry."  
_  
I lied…

Lied right through my teeth…

But what was I suppose to say?

'I was afraid she was going to tell you I _liked_ you.'

Though if she did, you would've know I had lied…

But it didn't matter…

Because whether or not you knew the truth…

It wouldn't change a thing…

Because you didn't feel the same…

And if you treasured our friendship…

As much as I did…

You wouldn't say a thing…

Because just like me…

You wouldn't want to face the truth…

Anymore than I did…

You didn't say anything. My face fell, but I tried to keep the pain from my voice, _"Well enjoy the snacks, Zack. My mom will be home later with the cake."_ I forced myself to smiled throughout my statement and I turned away before my expression fell again.  
I began to move, to head back to the living room, when a hand on my shoulder stopped me. _Your _hand…

_"Irvine…"_ you started as you turned me around to face you. I looked to you as you asked, _"Are you alright?"_

Your kindness always touched me so deeply, too deeply. To the point where the simplest words could either hurt me or send me into ecstasy. At the moment your kindness was breaking my shield that was holding my emotions together, I felt the tears start to sting my eyes. I wrapped my arms around your neck and pulled you into an embrace. I was losing control…

You held me back, arms encircling my waist, a little hesitantly.  
_  
"Irvine?"_

_"I'm alright."_ I replied, burring my face between your neck and shoulder. _"I'm fine…"_ I breathed against your neck. You held me closer then, though it only for a moment or two, it was what I needed. _What I desired…_

Then, after that precious moment had passed, you pulled me back to searched my face, as yours was contorted in concern. Then, when you saw I had calmed down, you smiled at me, _"For the fiftieth time, I didn't just come for the food. Now c'mon, show me around." _you said as you turned me around and gave me a light shove toward the doorway.

I laughed a little and turned back to you and smiled wistfully.

_"What is it?"_ You asked, seeming a little taken back from the look I was giving you.

I shook my head,_ "Nothing." _

I took your hand and pulled you along and gave you the tour you had requested. Though it wasn't your first time to my house, you had come numerous times before to pick me up and hang out with you somewhere, but it _was_ the first time you were actually _inside_ my house.

The rest of the party went on without much incident, besides Seifer showing up with Fujin and Raijin to 'crash' the party. Though it really wasn't anything new. Whenever Seifer found out about any of our get-togethers he just _had _to show up. I think it was just to piss us off and so he could annoy the hell out of Zell.  
I sighed, and you looked to me.

_"They're not suppose to be here are they?"_ you asked me after seeming to evaluate the situation: the girls and Zell yelling at Seifer to leave, Squall…well he really didn't do anything…and me sighing and shaking my head.

_"No, they aren't, but that never stops them."_ I said with an obviously false smile.

You didn't smile, _"Do you want me to get ride of them?"_

I blinked and then laughed, _"No its fine…unless they start destroying my house or something, then you can throw him and his goons out."_

Luckily, after pissing off the girls, annoying Zell was all Seifer seemed interested in since showing up, to my own relief. Other than that, Fujin and Raijin basically stuck together, watching Seifer torture Zell, the girls mostly stayed together after giving up on trying to get them to leave, and Cloud and Squall never once got up from their spot on the love seat. They seemed either engrossed in either their conversation, or just each other. I never really figured out which…

You seemed pleased that Cloud had manage to make a friend.  
Though, I was just glad I was able to spend so much time with you.

Around 5 my mother came home.  
I remember you had asked me earlier when my dad was coming home. When I explained to you that his work required him to travel all the time and he was barley ever home, give or take about only a few months out of the year, you gave me a strange look. Was it …_compassion_?  
Then you said _"I'm sorry, that must suck, not being able to see your dad that often. Poor Cloud's dad died when he was only a kid and your father being gone all the time…it just doesn't seem right…" _

I blinked at you, I didn't understand why you were getting so sad. Then realizing that you were feeling sad for me and starting to get all downhearted about it I quickly said, _"Oh no, no Zack. It's fine, it's the way it's always been. I doesn't bother me, really. I mean, its not like I** never** get to see him and also we don't really have that close of a relationship anyways, so it really doesn't bother me." _  
I threw on a smile as well, to try and prove it to you.

You looked at me a moment longer then gave me a slight smile in return, I'm not sure if you believed me or were just willing to let the subject drop, but you said,_ "Alright, if you say so." _and that was all.

It was true. It didn't really bother me that I never saw my father. Though I think that was just because it was what I was used to. He had never really been around that much in my childhood, or now for the matter. But it didn't bother me, not really.

Though…there were times when I just wished things were different. That he had a different job, one closer to home. One that made it so he came home at night. One that made it so he had time for his son. Time where we could've play and talk and had some sort of relationship…  
I don't remember one time, when I was young, where he ever tucked me in before bed. Or even _one _time, even once, sat me down for a heart-to-heart. I mean, we'd always joke together as a family, that was just how we were, but whenever mother left the room, conversation always seemed to cease. There was always so little to say between us. Conversations always fell into awkwardness. It was like having a conversation with someone you barely new. Someone even less than an acquaintance…but close enough to a stranger…

I knew his face, his short raven hair, and I had his blue eyes, his height, and clear complexion…  
We had more in common in our genes than anything else…

The worst part of that was…  
He never tried…  
And he was never there…

Though it doesn't bother me…it _does_ because…  
Because just once…_once_…  
I wished I had a _real _father, one that I could talk to, one that understood me, and loved me. One that I could have talked to about my feeling for you...  
But the father I have…I don't know what he would think.  
All I know is…he wouldn't understand…anymore than I did; why I was feeling this way.

I noticed my mother's car coming to a stop outside, so I went to the door and opened it for her and upon doing so I found her standing there, with a cake in her arms and a gift bag balancing onto of that, blocking her view.

_"Mom…"_ I said exasperated, she never would ask for help.

My mother was a petite woman, only about 5'4" in height, though very sweet and so full of life. She had choppy auburn hair which framed her little pixie face. Besides hair color, I also shared her high cheek bones and other feminine features in her face, which, at times, I wasn't too proud of. Though I did enjoy hearing from other how our smiles were alike. There, of course, where things we didn't share. Like the freckles that spotted all along her high cheek bones, and her pretty hazel eyes, that could never seem to stay a single color, always having at least two or three colors all the time.

_"Here let me get those for you, Mrs. Kinneas."_

It was you who had spoken. You had followed me to the door earlier and were now removing the gift and the cake from my mother's arms. She blinked when the objects blocking her view were removed, allowing her to see again. She looked for the source of the unknown voice and found you standing there; cake in one arm, gift in the other, and a smile on your face, that beautiful smile...

_"Hello Mrs. Kinneas, I'm Irvine's friend, Zack. Remember me from Radiant Lake?"_

_"Oh!"_ She gasped cover her mouth. _"Well yes, a little. It's a pleasure."_

I gestured to you where he could set the cake down and you moved to do so.  
When you where out of hearing range, she spoke again, voice muffled through her hands, _"I didn't notice before what a handsome boy he is."_ she uncovered her mouth and looked to me, _"And so sweet and polite too. Oh where did you find him Irvine? I think I'm in love."_

I laughed a little until it turned humorless.  
You really had quite the effect on people…

The candles where lit.  
I was forced into a chair while you, my mother, and my friend's -minus Squall…and including Seifer and Ruijin, sang to me. I rolled my eyes at them and got ready to blow out my candles.

_"Don't forget to make a wish."_ You reminded me.

I smiled and thought for a moment and made my wish.

_I wished that you would always be my friend, **forever**…_

…I would never regret a wish more than the one I made that day.  
Because that one _came true_…

I would do anything to take back that wish.  
I would do anything, _anything_, if I could only change…  
_Everything_…


	5. The Color Blue

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
The Color Blue  
-

After the party you told me that you didn't get me a present because you weren't sure what to get. So you decided that, instead, we'd spend the day together at the mall. We'd see a movie and find something I wanted for a gift there.

I couldn't think of a better present in the world.  
I get to spend the whole day with you, alone?  
What could be better? What could be more fun?  
Nothing could come to mind.

You took me out the day after my party. You came and picked me up outside my house around noon. We went to the mall as planned. Played at the arcade, got a bite to eat, went to just about every store and just goofed off. Though it was mostly because you refused to go to the movies before I had picked something out for myself as a gift. What you couldn't seem to understand was that this was enough.  
_"Really Zack," _I started looking into your eyes, _"This, this is enough."_

You look at me for a moment, a serious expression coloring your face, before smiling and shaking your head,_ "No, its not. Not for me. So be a good boy and pick something out."_ You said, giving me a light shove.  
I smiled and rolled my eyes. Nothing would convince you otherwise.

Lucky for you I got distracted in the music store by the acoustic guitars. You came to my side and followed my eyes. _"You like guitars?"_  
I nodded, my eyes not leaving them, _"Yeah…I always wanted to learn how to play one but…" _I shrugged and moved to walk away, planning to check out the rest of the store, when you stopped me by grabbing a hold of my wrist.  
_"Hey."_

I looked to you.

_"You know…"_ You started, _"I know how to play the guitar. I could…teach you."_ You looked at my face, seeming to try and read my thoughts. _"Would you like that?"_

I smiled and nodded, _"Yeah, that would be cool."_

You smiled, no, smirked, _"Finally!"_ you called out and made you way over to the guitars eyeing them.

I raised an eyebrow and blinked, dumbfounded. Then when you move to the store clerk and pointed to one of the guitars, asking for it, I realized what you were doing.  
_"Zack!"_  
You turned to me, blinking innocently, _"What?"_  
The store clerk also seemed a bit confused but, after hesitating for a moment, moved ahead to retrieve the guitar you had asked for.  
_"Don't what me. Look, I don't want it. Its too much!"  
"Pft. Irvine, I have three jobs. I think I can afford to splurge every once and a while. Now come over here and pick out a guitar. Your favorite color is blue right?"_

Yes, blue was my favorite color…though I had only come to realize it recently.  
You had asked me that question about a month ago and, for the longest time, my answer would have been, _"I don't have a favorite color, I like them all."_  
But it wasn't like that anymore. I had a favorite color.

I came to your side and gave you a look of disenchantment, knowing you wouldn't back down, then looked to the guitar you had chosen. It was actually quite beautiful. The body was an alluring deep blue color with a black bridge and pick guard, the front of the neck was a raw umber color, and the head was a blue color similar to the body's. It was truly lovely but if I had to get one…

I shook my head at the guitar.  
_"Irvine-"  
"I want that one."_  
You looked to where I pointed and found I had pointed to a different guitar.  
Instead of deep blue, this one was an intense brandeis blue color that seemed to glow from the black lining it from the edges of the front, the sides of the body were the same intense blue, then neck was just as black as the lining, leading to the head that, like the body, was black lined and bursting with the same brandeis blue.  
I loved it.

You turned to me, _"It's nice. We'll get it."_  
The clerk returned the other guitar and brought down mine.  
You smiled at me as you both moved to the counter to finish the purchase.  
I stared after you, memories flooding me then…and now…

_"What's your favorite color, Irvine?"_ You asked me one day, we were sitting back-to-back under a tree in the school's court yard.  
_"What?"_ I asked, turning me head, and part of my body, to look to you. You turned and our eyes met.  
_"Your favorite color, what is it?"_  
I meant to just reply like I always had, but I couldn't, any more then I could stop the rate my heart was beating, or the fact that I could unlock my gaze from your eyes…  
_"Blue…"_ was what I finally responded with.

Your eyes… My favorite color is the color of your eyes. Eyes that seem so deep and indescribable though could be called something as simple as blue.  
I loved them so much. Those pools of blue, were like falling into the sky and the ocean at once. They were beautiful. So beautiful…

The guitar reminded me of your eyes…that was why I had chosen it.  
The blue bared a resemblance to your eyes, thought nothing could ever really compare, and the black…was like the raven locks of hair that fell into your face and eyes.  
It was a reminiscent of you. I choose it for that very reason. So whenever I looked at it, I would think of you, and get those warm fuzzy feelings that I so adored.

Little would I know how those feelings would fade from such light, tender, and comforting feelings and memories- to a raw, burning, aching reminder of you and of my mistakes.  
My precious memories would be clouded with the painful understanding that I had let every opportunity pass me by.

Every chance I had, I had let go.  
Every warning I received, I ignored.  
Every threat that came along…  
Every threat…  
When she came…  
Was it too late, even then?  
Was there ever a chance?  
Was there always one?  
Did I…just run out of them?  
Did I finally run out of chances..?


	6. My Last Chance

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
My Last Chance  
-

The rest of my freshman year passed by in a blur.  
I don't remember when it happened really. But at some point, I had given up on all my worries of ever having to confess to you. I was so happy with just seeing you everyday, and receiving your smiles and your hugs… they filled me with warmth and hope. Hope that my resolve would work.  
That slowly, slowly I would lose these silly feelings for you.  
That, one day, all the pain and anxiety that surrounded those feelings would vanish with the loss of them.  
That I would never have to threaten our friendship with my heart. My heart would lose interest, and I wouldn't lose you.  
…That was my resolution to falling for you, that I would ignore it and it would miraculously vanish.  
Though I should have known better…the heart could never be ignored.  
But still…  
I tried…

After school ended that year we spent most of the summer together. We practiced guitar, hung out at the mall, the arcade, went swimming, you even came with my parents and me when they dragged me off for the camping trip I always despised.  
We spent almost every day together. I was so happy. So very happy…

Then something happened near the end of the summer.  
You came over one day and you looked absolutely miserable. I think the only reason you had shown up was the fact we had made plans for my guitar lessons. But I refused to practiced and I continued to ask you over and over what was wrong? What had happened to you the few days we were apart? Why were you so sad…?

You didn't answer me. You said 'nothing' a few times and then just stopped talking all together.  
_"Zack…" _I said, kneeling in front of the chair you sat in. You made no response. Then I touched your shoulder and as though it triggered something you reached out and pulled me into a strong embrace.  
You said nothing and only held me for what felt like an eternity.  
My heart was beating so fast…  
I began to wonder if my feelings for you would ever really fade…  
I had a feeling they wouldn't…

You pulled me back then, looking into my eyes for a long moment, studying them, your gaze intense... I could do nothing but stare back into the blue abyss that was your eyes.  
At that moment, you took my chin into your hand, lifted it slightly and your head lowered, your eyes closed, and our lips touched.

You pulled back slowly and analyze my expression. My eyes were wide, shocked, my mouth was slightly ajar, and my face was too warm. I didn't move, I couldn't.  
Why had you done that?

Suddenly you started to bring our faces close again, seeming to come in for another kiss. I didn't move, I only closed my eyes as you drew close…

Beep! Beep!

We jerked apart, startled from the sound, or at least I had been. Your hand feel away from me as I looked to my window. Then I looked back to you. You seemed to have been finding the wall more interesting at the moment than my gaze. I wanted to ask you why you had done that. I wanted to know why you wouldn't look at me now. But I only shook my head, got up, and headed to the window to see if it was my mother. Since I had promised her that you and I would help her with the groceries when she got home.  
Surprisingly enough, it was her. She actually honked the horn first, she was going to actually wait for help, for once. For once. And the one time she actually does…  
I looked to you, you sitting there, still surrounded in all that gloom. And I frowned. I just wished I could have had more time with you. I wanted --needed to know why you had done that. But something else had come first.  
_"My mom's home from shopping…"_

I had told you earlier when you had first come over, about me volunteering us to help with the groceries. Though you had made no response to it then, or now for the matter. You only moved to your feet and walked out the door. I followed you. We helped my mother and you left soon afterward. All you said to me was _"I'm going now, Irvine. See you later…"_ you wouldn't even look at me, and then you left.

Neither of us ever brought up that kiss afterwards. And you never kissed me again…  
Then the summer ended with you still just as depressed…


	7. The Day My World Fell Down

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
The Day My World Fell Down  
-

When school started that year, nothing had change. And for the first few weeks, I saw so little of you. And even when I did see you…something was wrong…it just wasn't the same.

Then one day, while I was at my locker, you came up to me.

_"Hey Irvine."_

I looked to you, and you had this big smile on your face as you leaned alongside the locker next to mine. I could only blink at you at first, you hadn't met me in the halls _at all_ this year, but I smiled. I was just so happy to see you there, even more happy that you were smiling again.

_Is he finally feeling better?_  
I wondered at the time.  
_I'm glad…_

Though those thoughts would quickly fade from relief to despair as you answered my questions:

_"Hey Zack. What's up? What's got you all smiles?"_

You smiled more at me and laughed, _"Am I really that bad?"_

I continued to smile, _"Well…lets just say this is the most I've seen you smile in over a month. So? What's up? What happened?"_

Your smile faltered, _"Yeah, sorry about that…"_

_"Hey don't you get all gloomy on me again!" _I said, shoving you lightly.

I truly didn't want to see that smile fade. Not ever again.__

"Tell me what's made you so happy? Or…are you just starting to feel better?"

I had pretty much given up on getting you to tell me what had happen that day you showed up so miserable. Since no matter what I did, you would never answer.

_"Well…I don't know if I should tell you."_ you said, a smirk coloring your lips, your eyes narrowing jokingly.

I pouted, _"Oh come on, Zack! Tell me!"_

You laughed at my face, and the fact that I was practically stopping my feet for a response._ "Alright, alright calm down. I'll tell you."_

I waited patiently and you finally spoke.

_"I met the most amazing girl today."_

At your first words my face fell, though I desperately tried to hold the rest of my feeling inside as you continued.

_"She's a transfer student from another state and she is just the sweetest girl I had ever met and so cute…"_

Everything else you started to say after that began to fade out, I couldn't hear anything but my own head screaming at me:

_It's too late. It's too late you damn fool. Look what's happened. Look. He's eyes are full of light again and its killing you, his heartwarming smile is back and you're bleeding out -and do you know why? Because someone else brought back that light. Someone else took that pain that's been killing him and you for weeks. Poof! Its gone! Zack's back and where are you? Hm? You don't even know, do you?  
It's too late now. No…there was never a chance you fool. He would never, could never, love **you**.  
You're a fool to think otherwise. Even more of a fool if you thought you could simply ignore these feeling and they'd vanish.  
You fool.  
You damn fool…_

We walked to class together, I couldn't hear you, but I nodded ever so often, asked questions I didn't want the answers to, and gave you reassuring smiles. All the while my head wouldn't stop screaming. All the while my heart wouldn't stop bleeding. All the while I started to repeat back to myself, over and over, _You damn fool…_

_He could never love you…  
He _would_ **never** love you…  
You're a fool,  
A damned fool…_

-o-

Though I couldn't hear you, I somehow had retained the information you had given me. Since my mind repeated it back to me as I sat, isolated, at my desk.  
I had never felt _so_ alone, in a classroom full of students, in my life. But at that moment I did, I felt so alone.  
The hum of the students, along with the teachers lesson, and even the clatter of pencils and books were drowned out from my mind.  
The only thing I could hear was my mind repeating back what you had told me, all I could see was your beautiful smiling face as you told me these things. Your beautiful smile…that smile that was no longer for me but _her_…

Aerith Gainsborough…she was a transfer student from another school, she had just moved to town recently with her adopted mother. You said she had the kindest voice and the most beautiful face. You mentioned how she was so sweet and so innocent and just…then you had shaken your head, still smiling like a fool, unsure of how to describe her. And then you finally said, _"She was like an angel…" _in such a hushed voice, it was a though you were speaking of an unearthly being. Of a_ real_ angel.  
I was jealous. So jealous, and I wasn't in denial this time.

I had also found out that she was only a year younger than you but was in almost all of your classes. You had also told me how you had volunteered to be her 'student-buddy' and show her around the school and basically were going to stick by her for her first week. You said this to me because you wanted to let me know that we wouldn't be seeing each other as often. At least for the time being.

Did you not realize how little we have been seeing each other in the past month?  
I guess not…because as that week passed I saw you just as much as I did in the passed month. Which was practically never. And when it came to after school hours…you never called me, if I called you, you were usually busy with either work or _her_.  
So lucky she was, to have all your attention. Though, I'm not sure how worried I really was about her being with you so much, in the beginning anyways. I knew I was jealous, but I guess I never really thought it would go further than a crush or at the most you would date her for a short time and realize she wasn't what you thought.  
I didn't know her at all at the time. I hadn't even seen her face. All I knew of her is what you told me, and what I had heard, but nothing could prepare me for the wake up call that I was about to face…

* * *

Yeah I notice I still had a divider in this chapter and it was because since these two memories were at the same time and flowed rather well together, I decided to leave them together xD

Well I hope you enjoyed the story so far. See you soon. Btw Thanks soo much for all the reviews TheCupcakeMonster! I really enjoy reading them ^^


	8. Aerith

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
Aerith  
-

It had been close to a month since you had last talk to me. The days seemed to go by painfully slow though time passed quickly.  
How could that be?  
Because the days seemed to last forever, though every time I looked to a clock, the hours have passed in what had seemed only a matter of minutes.

I guess you could say I was becoming despondent and so very lonely...and maybe a bit of an insomniac.  
I missed you so much. I wished everyday to see your smiling face. Though whenever I did, you never saw me, you were so caught up in your own life that you walked by me several times, with barely giving me a glance. You gave me a acknowledging smile if you did notice me, but you'd never stopped to say a simple 'hi'. You'd never stop to see me.  
Were you avoiding me?  
It hurt…  
What did I do?  
Why wouldn't you see me? Talk to me?  
Why….

I spaced out even more as the days passed. So the day when that someone bumped into me, while I was at my locker, it took me a moment to realize it.  
I stumbled back, blinking, then looked down after a moment to find a girl.  
She was on her knees gathering her things. She had long auburn hair which she was wearing pulled back with a bright pink ribbon which was tied in a simple bow, while the rest of her hair fell to her back into a neat braid.  
She looked up to me, her pretty emerald eyes meeting mine. She smiled apologetically saying words I couldn't hear clearly, more apologies was all I made out with my fogged mind.  
I reached my hand down, she looked to it for a moment, then smiled accepting it. I pulled her to her feet, she clasped her other arm closely around the books she held to her chest as she made her way back to standing.

_"Thank you, I'm really sorry for running into you like that. I was running late so…" _She gave me a nervous smile and continued, _"Well I was running to class, carelessly not paying attention to where I was going, I'm sorry." _She bowed to me.

I blinked, finally coming fully to myself, _"Oh no, it's fine."_

She straightened and tilted her head at me, then smiled. _"Really? I'm glad."_

I got this vibe from her…which was very mother-like. She reminded me of my mother the way she smiled so sweetly and spoke so gently. And her aura was so warm…you just wanted to lay your head on her lap and nap there like a child.  
She made me smile at her. She made me _want_ to smile.  
I even laughed when she went onto to tell me how she had run off from her friend when she realized it was the second bell she had heard instead of the warning bell. Her flustered expressions were so cute, I couldn't help but smile.

_"What's your name?"_

I asked, after I had recovered from laughing.

She blinked then smiled, _"Oh I'm-"_

_"Aerith!"_

We both turned at the sound of your voice.  
My heart throbbed by the sound. It had been so long since I heard your voice.

We saw you running down the hall to us and you stopped just short of us, hands on your knees as you struggled to get your breath back.

_"Zack…?"_ I said aloud, though it was mostly to myself. You didn't hear me.

_"Oh! I'm so sorry Zack! I didn't mean to leave you I just -well you know how upset Mr. Gast is when people are late and-oh no I'm going to be late!"_ She turned to run as you grabbed her arm and I stiffened.  
She, _this_ girl, was _Aerith_?

_"Aerith, wait -just wait a second."  
"But Zack."_

So this was her.

_"We don't have first period today!"  
"…What?"_

You weren't exaggerating…I could see why you spoke of her as though she were an angel…  
Because she was.  
You had found an angel.

_"We have to go to the auditorium, there's a performance going on or something."  
"Oh…oh really?!"_ Her face lit up instantly.  
You only smiled lazily back, _"Yes."_

I had misjudge the situation terribly…  
The girl in my mind had no chance at holding your attention, but _this_ girl…**she **_could_.  
What chance did I have against an angel?  
This sweet gentle girl, with a laughter of pure innocence…What chance _could_ I have?  
None. That was the undeniable truth…

She looked to me then and smiled, _"Well I guess I wont be late then. Sorry again for running into you like that."_  
I didn't respond, I didn't have time to when you finally turned to where she was looking and found me.  
_"Irvine." _you said surprised.  
I threw on a smile,_ "Hey…long time no see."_  
You smiled in turn, though I think yours was real.  
_"Yeah I know right. So hey! I guess you met Aer, huh?"_

I nodded and she looked between us then asked you, _"Do you know him?"_  
You nodded, _"This is my friend Irvine I told you about, Irvine Kinneas."_  
Her eyes went wide and she turned to me, bowing again, _"Oh, I'm really sorry," _she straightened and looked to you, _"I made a horrible impression on your friend."_  
Zack blinked and looked to me.

I shrugged, wishing I could leave.  
Which was strange, since I had wanted to see you for so long.  
But…not like this…  
_"She ran into me by accident."_

You looked to her, worry in your eyes, _"Are you alright? Did you get hurt?"_  
You examined her arms and legs. She blushed and nudged you back. _"I'm fine Zack."_

I started to feel sick. Seeing you two like that…it made me sick.  
Not disgusted but just …so sick…I don't even know why. So I simply looked away.

You hadn't seen me in weeks ...and it didn't seem to matter. Since here we were, together again, and all you could think of was _her_.

At that moment, I couldn't think of anything worse than realizing I had absolutely no chance of having you now. I had no chance against this girl. I had no chance at all.

She was perfect for you in everyway. I watched as you two conversed, my presents seeming to have become forgotten, though it didn't matter, I didn't want to be involved. I wanted to disappear…

I turned and shut my locker and started to walk away. Planning to head the long way to the auditorium, when someone spoke out.

_"Irvine wait!"_

It wasn't you, I was her.  
I stopped…then turned.

_"Why don't you sit with us?"_

You looked to her surprised, then to me waiting…just waiting for my response. Your eyes didn't light up as they used to, there was no smile, no slightly hopeful glance. Just waiting, with slightly worried eyes. You probably didn't realize I could see it, but I did. You didn't want me to come with you…and that hurt.

I shook my head._ "I was already planning on sitting with my other friends"_ I paused to watch your face as it altered ever so slightly from that worried expression to a relief look.  
…And then you finally smiled.

Why did seeing you smile that way hurt so much…no…that was a silly question.

I threw on a smile_ "You two have fun. Talk to you later Zack."_  
_pft yeah like in another month or so…_  
Was what I had thought at the time.

_"Nice to meet you Aerith."_ I turned to go but she came up to me and grasped my hand, I looked to her surprised, she only smiled. I looked to you, you wore a similar expression to mine. I looked back to her.  
_"It was nice to meet you Irvine. I hope I'll get to talk to you again."_

I didn't know what to say. So I only nodded.  
She smiled and released my hand and moved back to your side, she grasped your arm and waved to me.  
I forced a small smile and turned to leave.

No…there was something worse than meeting the person who held the heart of the one you loved…and that was realizing that you were incapable of hating that person. Of feeling any sort of grief toward them at all. What was worse than knowing them…was caring for them. What hurt the most…was knowing you would do nothing to stop them from being together…because you couldn't bare the thought of hurting either of them.

I couldn't bare the thought of it…


	9. The Act Begins

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
The Act Begins  
-

And because I couldn't bare it…I did nothing…  
Even though I could see you both growing closer with every time we met,  
I did nothing.  
Even when you two came to me, embracing hands, each other, asking me to come with you.  
I did nothing, but try and say no.

Though every time I refused, Aerith would give me one of those disappointed looks, and I just couldn't say no.

I just couldn't.

Even when your eyes told me you didn't want me and your words said you did…I came because she looked so sad…and that not only hurt me…but it hurt you even more.

It hurt when we were all together. More than I thought I could bare. But I still…I still did nothing to stop it.

My birthday came around not to long after that…and that…destroyed my last hopes of _everything_…

You had called the day before to see if you could come. Of course I said yes. I would have you to myself, finally. For one whole day, I could pretend everything was okay.  
Just for one day, you would be mine.

I woke up early and happy that day. I hid in the bushes and scared my friends when they came. Cloud was even with them this year, clinging to Squall for dear life, he was so cute.  
After the initial shock had passed, I could see relief in their eyes. Even Squall's eyes, which had been watching me carefully lately, looked a little relieved.

I was so hyper, we played a bunch of games, horsed around, and just had fun.  
Though I never stopped watching the clock or listening for your car, not once.

Selphie gave me a hug, _"I'm so happy you're back to yourself Irvi. I was getting worried about you."_  
Guilt trickled into me,_ "I'm sorry Sel..." _I lowered my eyes, upset over how much I had worried her.

She waved her hand at me, dismissing my apology, _"It doesn't matter Irvi. I'm just glad that you're happy again."_  
I smiled in turn. I was happy as well to feel so…myself again.

And then the knock came.  
I turned right to the door and bolted for it, _"Coming!"_

I grabbed the handle, I opened the door…

And there you were…and there she was, at your side.

I'm not really sure what happened then, but something in me just turned off…  
I just froze there and felt myself being drained of just…everything.  
Or maybe it was just disappointment filling me.  
Or maybe it was realization…

You were smiling when I opened the door, same with Aerith, but both of your faces fell when you saw mine.  
_"Irvine?"_ you said as you reached out to me.

I flinched back from you. I didn't want you to touch me. It'd hurt too much.  
You looked to me confused and a little hurt. I covered my face with a hand and waved the other dismissively to you.  
_"Sorry…"_ I had said, _"I…I don't feel too well…"_  
I turned and made my way to the bathroom, Selphie caught me in the hall right as I reached the door.  
_"Irvine? What happened? …Why are you crying?"_  
I hadn't even realized it until I had touched my face and felt the tears there. I shook my head, _"It's nothing."_ Then I felt myself start to tremble, I was glad she was the only there to see me.  
_"Irvine?_"  
I looked up to find Squall coming down the hall. I tried my best to smile at him.  
_"Hey Squall. What's up?"_  
He just stopped in front of me and just stared at me. His eyes bore right into me. It felt like they were just looking right into my soul and he was reading me as easily as a book.

I looked away, ashamed. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me toward the bathroom, only pausing to look to Selphie,_ "I got it from here Selphie. Get Zack and his girlfriend a drink."_  
I felt my body go rigid, he looked to me.  
_"Girlfriend?"_

_"You didn't know?"_

I only shook my head at him, looking away. Oh I wanted to be so far away at that moment…  
Squall looked to Selphie and that seemed to be all it took. She nodded and left us, but not without pausing halfway down the hall to look to me worriedly.  
Squall took my arm more firmly and brought me into the bathroom, shutting the door behind us.  
I moved away from him then, to lean heavily over the sank.  
I could feel him watching me, but I couldn't stop my mind from reeling.

His _girlfriend_? When had _that_ happened? Why hadn't they said anything? Why didn't anyone_ tell_ me?

_"How long?"_ I said, still looking into the sink.

Squall was quiet for a moment, probably taken aback from my question. At first I wasn't sure if he knew what I was asking but he must have, since he answered me a moment later.  
_"A little over a week."_ he paused and went on to add, _"I found out from Cloud… I doubt the others knew about it, since you're the one who's close to them, besides Cloud."_

I was quiet for a while, but lucky for the kind of guy Squall is, silence didn't bother him. I think he might actually have preferred it over most things.

Myself, I couldn't seem to form a straight thought.  
He's dating her?  
He told Cloud, but not me…what does that mean?  
Aren't we friends? …What are we?

I had just seen them about a week ago…why didn't they say anything then? Why didn't they tell me? It was the least they could have done after dragging me along to watch them flirt with each other all the time--

I realized then, that I_ had _been a little blindsided- _but_, I had done it to myself.  
No, they hadn't told me with words…but their interactions with each other…that in itself had spoken volumes. I guess I had just tuned out from it…  
Even today, them showing up hand-in-hand to my party…wasn't that just screaming out the obvious?

Even so…where does that leave me now?  
I don't even know what to do anymore.  
I …wasn't even sure why he'd had come in the first place…is he just_ trying _to hurt me?

I struck the sink and closed my eyes against the pain. Not the pain from my hand, there was no pain there, but in my chest…it was unbearable there…

I felt the tears start falling and I didn't bother to hide it.

I didn't want Squall to see me like this but…I just couldn't take it anymore.  
I cant explain it….I had finally reached the end of my rope, and I was just too tired to hold on…

My whole body was trembling from the force I was using to hold back the sobs threatening to escape my throat. I was gripping the sink so hard, my knuckles must have turned white.

Then a hand touched my shoulder.  
I jumped and looked to my side to find Squall. I quickly looked away. I wished he'd just go. I was so ashamed of myself.

Then he grabbed me roughly and next thing I knew I was against him and he was embracing me.

_"You can cry…I wont make fun of you after."_

I couldn't stop myself. I was completely caught off guard by Squall and the comfort he was showing me. I embraced him and allowed myself cry out all the useless stupid painful feelings that I had been locking away for far too long.

Squall only stood there quietly holding me and rubbing soothing circles in my back.

After a short time I was able to get a hold of myself and pull away from him. He watched me with cautious eyes. I rubbed the tears from my eyes and smiled at him reassuringly.  
_"I'm alright…thanks."_ I said, a little flushed from my embarrassment.  
He only shrugged, looking away for a moment. Then turning back at me he asked, _"Are you going to be able to go back out there?"_

Before I was able to answer I recall hearing the hoots and hollers from Seifer and Ruijin, and the displeased yells from the girls and Zell.

We both looked to the sound, I couldn't help but smile, the whole gang was here. Between the them and the disturbed look coloring Squall's face, it was too much.

_"I think I'll be fine. If anyone can put up a good act, I sure can." _I said with a cocky smile as I moved passed him and grabbed the door handle.

I turned and gave Squall one last wave and left. Though I had trouble doing so, since he had that look in his eyes like he wanted to say something but I wasn't to sure I wanted to hear it.  
I had my composure back, and I didn't want to lose it again.

By the time I had made it back into the living room, I had my mind made up.  
I took a breath, closed my eyes, and reopened them a moment later. I scanned the room for you then. It didn't take me long to find you. You were standing by the punch bowl with Aerith by your side, talking to Cloud. Who was looking rather annoyed, now that I think about it.  
I moved from my spot straight to you. I stopped about two feet away from you. Hoping to be close enough to get your attention, and far enough away to keep you from touching me.  
You noticed me a moment before I stopped. You blinked at me, seemingly confused by the determined look on my face. But then you smiled, because I had smiled.  
_"It was about time you showed up. You're late." _I stated, crossing my arms across my chest, looking away disgusted for a moment before looking back at you sidewise with a devious smirk.  
You only smirk back in turn before playing along with a playful pout, _"I'm sorry is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"_

_"Nope."_ Then I paused for a moment, _"Well…maybe if you got me a really cool gift."_

You laughed.

And so my act began. And so it would be for a long, long time.

* * *

Well now Im caught back up with myself. Dear dear what will happen now.

Thank you for reading ^^


	10. Game Over

Been a bit of time since I've updated...sorry about that. I hope I will be able to continue updating more frequently. For now I hope you enjoy this chapter. ^-^

* * *

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
Game Over  
-

After that my sophomore year, your senior year, passed by in a obscure haze.

Time passed quickly as I dove myself into my studies, paying little attention to anything else around me.

When the times came where I was pulled from my studies, usually by my friends, I would notice how much time had passed and how much the seasons had changed. It seemed so sudden.

Though I wasn't awed or hurt by the fact that so much time had passed, nor did I regret letting all that time go, because it meant less time I'd have to be in pain over you.

The next time I noticed the change in time, I noticed everyone talking about graduation. It was your year to graduate, I remembered belatedly. Squall asked me if I wanted to go with him and Cloud to the graduation. I told him that I had plans so I'd show up a little later.

I came the night of your graduation, though I don't know if you noticed. I showed up after all the guests were seated and the line had already begun for the graduates to receive their diplomas.

I stood in the far back, in the doorway to the auditorium. There were many people there, but that wasn't why I didn't look for a seat. Truth be it, I was hopping you wouldn't see me, because I couldn't face you, at least not up close.

You came up to the stage soon after I had arrived. I watched as you accepted your diploma and hugged the teacher unexpectedly. Everyone laughed, many cheered, I clapped for you among the others.

I was happy for you, but I couldn't stop the tears that started to fall as I watched you wave to the audience.

I turned and left.

I couldn't stay any longer if I planned on keeping any sort of low profile. I never planned on staying until the end to congratulate you anyways. Because I knew I couldn't…

I couldn't face you knowing that I was going to lose you for a third time. I couldn't face you knowing after this summer you would be out of my life for an ungodly amount of time. I couldn't face you knowing that you may not even want to see me.

I couldn't face you without crying…and that's why I left.

Then came your graduation party.

I had received an invitation about a week before in the mail. You had never mentioned anything about a party to me while you were still in school…but then again we hadn't really been talking. I had been avoiding you with excuses of finals and homework.

I didn't RSVP nor did I plan on going. Actually I was kind of hoping you might call me, just once. Just to causally ask when I would be coming, expecting me to come…and I would, but I just wanted to know that you wanted me there too…

I've been so confused for so long about us. I still didn't know what we were suppose to be to each other, because nothing seemed to fit.

You never called…Cloud did though.

He called the day the party.

I was sitting around in my living room, boredly flicking through the channels when the phone had rung. I leaned over and answered.

"_Kinneas residence…"_

"_Irvine?"_

"_Cloud?"_

"_Hey, are you going to come down to Zack's party?"_

"_err…" _I shifted the phone to my other ear, _"I don't know…why?"_

I heard him sigh from across the signal, _"Look Irvine, Zack's really bummed you haven't shown up."_

"…_He is?"_

"_Yeah, so come down."_

I shifted on the couch uncomfortably, _"Cloud I-"_

"_I know Irvine, but please, he really wanted you to come."_

I didn't want to ask, but I couldn't stop myself, nor could I keep the slight bitterness out of my tone, _"Then why didn't __**he**__ call?"_He sighed again, _"Irvine…"_

"_He has Aerith there, why does he need me."_

"_She's his girlfriend, you're his friend, Irvine."_

"_**You're**__ his __**best**__ friend…he doesn't need me. He has you, he has her and all his friends…he never needed me and doesn't now. It must be something else he's bummed about, because its not me." _I hung up.

I hadn't meant to, it just sort of happened. And it pissed me off. That Cloud had called, not you. That I had said all that crap to Cloud, that didn't need to be said. It was childish and petty and me hanging up on top of it just proved it all the more. I tossed the phone away from me with more force than necessary and covered my face.

_Why_ was I _crying_?

I was pissed and angry and….hurt. Because I felt everything I had said was the truth.

You didn't need me.

You didn't want me.

So…what should I do? When all I want is to look in your eyes and see…that I mattered.

No…who was I kidding? That wouldn't be enough, because if it was…I would have taken Cloud's word and gone to party. But I didn't. I yelled at him, hung up on him, and sat there, alone, in my livingroom…until my mother came home.

"_Hey baby, how was Zack's party?" _she asked once she came in, taking off her blazer.

"…_I didn't go…"_ I mumbled from the couch.

"_What?" _she asked, either from not hearing me or for confirmation.

"_I didn't go."_

"_Why not?" _she asked coming to my side. _"You love parties and being with Zack, so why didn't you?" _she tried brushing my long bangs from my face as I only sat there.

"_Because…" _because what? What was I going to say?

"…_I just don't feel good today…I'm going to go lay down." _I moved to get up and she grabbed my arm.

"_Are you sick?"_

I paused and lowered my head, _"No mom…just tired…"_

I could feel her watching me with those worried hazel eyes.

"_Mom I wanna lay down."_

She released my arm after a moment, _"Alright…but come down after for dinner. Your father will be home."_

"_Mm-hmm…"_

_Joy_.. I thought, _Daddy's home…_

I came down for dinner later that night. Mostly for my mother's sake, I could have really cared less about seeing my father…especially now. He was the last person I wanted to see. Someone else who…who what? …Who I didn't understand, I suppose.

I sat at the table, listening to my parents laugh. I wasn't listening into their conversation, I just sat their idly pushing my food across my plate. I noticed vaguely when my mother had left the room, since it had become completely silent. Which was nothing new, but then the sound of my fathers voice saying my name was, and I jumped. I looked to him slowly, confused by him addressing me when my mother was out of the room.

"_Are you alright?"_

I stared at him shocked for a moment, before I could blink and hear what he had said. I shook my head, _"I'm fine."_ I lowered my gaze and my attention back to my plate.

"_Irvine…"_

I continued to ignore him, figuring he would loose interest soon enough.

There was a long pause before he had spoken again, leading my to believe I was right, and then he said, _"Your mother told me that you haven't been yourself lately."_

"_I don't know what to tell you. I'm fine."_

"_Irvine-"_

"_Look-!" _I paused…what was I going to say? I couldn't tell him about Zack. I couldn't state how the man didn't know what I was like when I was myself or not. I looked up and noticed him waiting for me to continue. I sighed, _"Look…You can't change it. So it's fine…I'm going to my room, please leave me alone." _I didn't look to him as I rose and left the room. I threw myself on my bed, praying for sleep for reprieve…which never came.

I don't know where that summer went and I honestly hadn't been answering any of my phone calls.

I had given my friends false excuses throughout the summer from family activities to being preoccupied with one thing or another. I had never looked more forward to our summer camping trip that I did that year.

But when all that ended and the summer had begun to end, you called. I remember playing a game in the living room when the phone rang. My mother answered it since she had figured out that I refuse to answer it now. After talking for a moment she put the phone to her chest and called to me, _"Irvine?""Yeah?"_

"_It's for-""I don't want it." _I was a little surprised she still bothered to ask even when I continuously refused.

"_It's Zack hun."_

I froze slightly and my heart ached. My character had begun to be killed from my lack of action but I didn't take much noticed, all I could do was wonder why you were calling me._"Irvine? …I think you should talk to him."_I couldn't move, I couldn't even think to. I was scared. Scared of what you would say, of what I might say. I felt my game controller leave my hands and be replaced with the cordless phone. I felt a light comforting weight on my shoulder and my mother's whispered, _"Talk to him." _I looked to her and she only smiled at me, then left the room.

I looked back to the phone and hesitantly pressed it to my ear._ "…Hello?"_

"_Irvine?"_

I hesitated, _"Um…yeah."_

A release of air could be heard over the line. You had sighed. _"Wow, cant believe it. You're one hard guy to get a hold of these days, you know that?"_

My heart started to beat painfully fast as I heard you voice, pain from the guilt I felt, _"Yeah…sure."_

"…_I'm sorry. Do you not want to talk to me?"_

My breath caught and I felt a chill at the thought of losing you, losing this moment. _"No, no! I…I do Zack. I do… How are you? I miss you…"_

I couldn't stop myself before the words came out. Because I did miss you. I missed you every single day.

There was silence for a moment then a laugh, _"Well, I miss you too. And I'm doing alright. …How are you?"_

How was I? …I shouldn't lie to you, I didn't want to. I didn't know what to say. _"I…I'm fine…_" So I lied.

"_Really?" _You sounded unconvinced.

"_Yeah…"_

"_You don't sound fine…"_My eyes were watering and I put my free hand to my face. _"I-I'm not…_" I cursed myself for letting my voice crack._"Irvine? What's wrong?"_ You sounded concerned…you did care. Why wasn't it enough? Why couldn't it be enough?

I started to cry, you could here it. I couldn't stop._"Irvine? …Are you crying?"_

I set the phone aside and pulled my legs close as I rested head on my knees. I couldn't take it, I was losing you and I couldn't stop it. I should have said something back then. I was so dumb. Now you had Aerith. Now you were graduated and going to go off to college…and I was stuck here. Without you. It hurt. It hurt so much. I could stop the tears.

Your voice weakly came through the line. The phone was too far away for my to make it all out.

"_Irvine…tk…e…ey…ming…"_

I couldn't make sense of the words nor did I even try. After a minute or two I heard the line drop and I knew you were gone and I wanted to scream. Though I only groaned.

The door opened a moment later. I couldn't think of who it could have been. I only held my breath and kept my face hidden, hoping they wouldn't notice me. A hand pressed on my shoulder, causing be to jump. A deep, low voice spoke, _"Irvine?" _I blinked and looked up to find Squall standing there, and more tears fell. Why did he have to keep seeing me like this?

He frowned at my expression and knelt by my side, _"What's wrong?" _

He looked to the phone which continued to beep signaling the lines being disconnected. An annoyed look crossed Squalls face as he picked up the phone and hung it up, then caused the phone to beep differently as he searched through the caller ID. After examining the phone he looked back to me. _"What did he say?"_I didn't want to risk trying to speak so I only shook my head.

"Irvine…"

The door then opened for a second time and we both looked to find you there. You blinked and looked to us for a moment then shook your head and smiled…though it looked sad. _"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. I'll go…" _You turned and left back out the front door. I froze in shock, torn between the surprise of you coming and the terrified feeling of seeing you go.

Squall moved quickly out the door. I was unsure of what to think of it all. I only sat there…in shock I suppose. After a while my eyes drifted to the floor and finally to the TV were I found the game over screen playing. I smiled pathetically at it, why did it seem so fitting for this moment?

"_Irvine"_

I remember your voice breaking me out of my thoughts like a bell. I turned to you, surprised to find you there in the doorway, now moving towards me. You knelt to my side and we sat there for a long moment only looking into each others eyes…

Then finally you gave me a slight reassuring smile and opened your arms to me. I looked from your smile to your arms and felt my eyes begin to fill again. You pulled me to you and I held onto you and cried. I was so happy, I was so heartbroken. I knew this was the end and I couldn't, shouldn't try to change it. I wanted to tell you how I felt. I wanted to tell you to love me and leave Aerith. I wanted to tell you not to go. All very selfish things I wanted to ask of you. But I refused to all myself to do it to you. I would only hurt you. Nothing else would change.

It was too late. You were going. This was the end.

I remember thinking how I wished everything would end after this moment. Pain, life, the world. You were my world, I think. And I didn't want to live without you.

I didn't want to accept this. But I had no choice.

It was Game Over.


	11. The Chain

I Only Wish  
PoV: Irvine  
Part 2 - Memories:  
The Chain  
-

You didn't ask about my tears. You only held me close, said hushed words of reassurance, and rubbed my back until I fell quiet.

After you sat with me, allowed me to sit between your legs and lean back into you. You spoke of simple things, causing us both to laugh lightly. All the while, I pulled your arms around me and hold them in place with my own hands. I closed my eyes and listened you to laugh, talk, breath…I listened to your heart beat…it was beautiful, like music to me…I'll never forget that moment.

Or how I felt when it ended.

You had been with me for over an hour…its felt like forever then only a moment when the spell was broken by the sound of your phone ringing.

"_Hello?...but Aerith-"_

I pulled away from you at that moment. No longer was I the center of your attention, not that I ever really was but up until that moment…I felt like I was. Then it was gone…

Soon you would be too.

Why had I felt so content before then?

I felt your eyes on me; questioning me in silence. But I didn't look at you. And you simply finished talking with her. It only last a moment longer and the phone closed.

_"I'm sorry Irvine." _You said to me. _"I have to go."_

Your voice sounded so…strained?

You must have had a lot of lose pieces to gather before you left. You had so little time to do so. And I would not help you. I refused. You couldn't fix us. Maybe distance would be best…

You hugged me from behind and I couldn't help but at least touch the strong arms holding me. And then you were gone…

Summer ended…and everything around me began to die…and everything inside of me as well.

School started…

It didn't mean anything to me. How could it? How could anything…

I was so lost. You were gone. We haven't been talking. And you left _her_ here…with _me_.

How could anything be okay?

We started to speak through email starting the day of my seventeenth birthday.

It was such simple email. I can even remember it now…

_Subject: Hey Birthday Boy~ 8_

_From: _

_To: _

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY!_

_YOU'RE AWESOME _

_YOU'RE 17!_

_CONGRATS!_

_Hope to talk to you soon buddy. It's been too long. I miss ya._

_Talk to ya soon,_

_Love Zack._

I was just going to respond with a simple thanks…but then I couldn't stop typing. I told you I missed you and I was asking you all sorts of questions about college life.

You would respond and ask questions of your own.

And so we were becoming connected again.

You were my escape from what seemed a desolate world.

You were my pain, asking me to care for her while you were away.

How could you be so heartless?

No…

How could you be so blind?

No. Why couldn't I…do _anything_?

The fall passed into the death of winter. You came home that winter break…for her, I think. I avoided you and your calls. Because you were always inviting me to hang out with you _and_ her…

You didn't get it.

And I didn't even want to bother trying to get through to you. How could I? Without confessing…

But you came over Christmas day…very late in the day. And you bought me a gift. It was a beautiful silver chain…I'm wearing it even now at your wedding…I've never taken it off…

I had bought something for you too…though I didn't plan to give it to you. It was just a simple grey, turtle neck vest zip up sweater.  
You came, so I gave it to you.

Your face…the face you wore when you opened my simple gift I will never forget.

You ripped open the box like a child and then your eyes went wide and you gently lifted the sweater out and tried it on. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks at how special you were treating suck a simple thing. You zipped it up, felt it against your body with you hands and looked to me and smiled, _"Thank you Irvine. This is the nicest sweater I ever got! I love it man!"_ you were smiling so much then looked slightly concerned to me._ "You …like my gift too right buddy?"_

I blinked and looked to the wrapped rectangular box in my hand. Quickly I moved to unwrap it, yet I did so gently as to not harm whatever you had gotten me. For whatever it was, it was already precious to me, because _you_ were giving it to me.

When I lifted the cover and found the sterling silver chain inside, my breath caught at its beauty. It was the nicest necklace ever given to me…it was stunning and so …so much more than I deserved… especially for how badly I had been treating you since you had gone…and even before that. I had been cold and silent to you and yet…you give came to me, on Christmas, and gave me such a beautiful gift I…

I couldn't help but cry.

You took it wrong and came to try and comfort me, fumbling with words, confused by my response.

_"What's wrong? Is something weird written on it? Is it the wrong size? Don't like silver? Uh uh—"_

_"N-no."_ It was hard to calm myself but you had cause my tears of guilt to laughter,_ "I do, I do. I love it."_

You were so confused but noticing I had begun to laugh, you had smiled, looking relived I believe.

We spent hours together, just laughing, joking, being how we always were –when I wasn't scrutinizing how I could never have you.

But then it was almost midnight. You looked to your phone, then to me, and smiled. _"It's been fun, Irvi. But I got to get heading back, getting late."_

My smile began to fade but I reinforced it by will alone, _"Ok…thanks for stopping over."_

_"No problem!_" You stood, stretched, and paused when you seemed to catch my eye. You seemed to notice something there that was wrong,_ "Are you ok, Irvine?"_

I blinked and smiled, _"Yes…just tired."_ I lied…I guess it gets easier over time.

You seemed unsure, but your phone vibrated, catching your attention. You glanced at it, and looked to me._ "Ok I'm going then."_ You smiled at me, _"Good night. Merry Christmas buddy."_

_"Yeah…"_ I smiled a little, _"Merry Christmas Zack."_

And you were gone.

I touched the chain on my neck, you had placed it there, it was cold, just how one-sided love could be. I smiled, for you had chained me to you in more ways than one…and you would never realize it, would you?

I thought I would be ok with that.

As long as you would keep seeing me.

As long as our friendship stayed strong.

But I was wrong…

It wasn't enough, not even close.

But I wouldn't realize it,

Until it began to eat away at me…

To the point nothing mattered,

And at the same time everything.

I was being pushed and pushed by this to do _something_.

But what?

What should I have done?


	12. Revelations

A/N: Hello all, sorry for the long wait. Here we are now moving toward the concluding chapters of this section of the story. I was wondering if anyone would like to see Squall/Cloud's section in this story. Also if people wanted a happy or a sad ending. See you next update!

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Forsaken Love  
POV Irvine  
Part 3: Revelations

I was brought back into the present when the auburn double doors, which I had been staring burn-holes into, finally opened, temporarily blinding me in the late afternoon light. I held up a hand to try and fend off the opposing light and as I did so I could hear the organ begin to sing the famous "Bridal March". Then the entire room began to breathe in sharp intakes of breath and whispered out awes. I was mystified by it all until the light eased off in your direction and I could see the glow of pride and adoration in your eyes as you stared off into the foreboding light unleashed by the auburn doors. It was then I was enlightened to what, or I should say whom, brought the room to life. It was then that my chest began to tighten painfully as I could hear your echoed words come back from the past_, "I hope you fall in love someday, Irvine."_

Your voice held as much joy then as I could see now so clearly on your face. Your voice came back to me again eve more clearly from so long ago, when really it was only about a month ago; at your bachelor party actually. It was getting later in the evening and everyone was having a good time and everyone was already really far gone on the booze. You came and sat at my side at the bar. We ordered drinks and watched the others with light interest. It was then you spoke your words of hope to me and followed up with, _"When you love someone and you know they love you too, its one of the most amazing feelings in the world… I really hope you can experience it someday, Irvi."_

I recall laughing with false humor as I responded offhandedly, _"As if that would even happen." _

You looked to me in shock, and I blushed embarrassed, _"I-I mean, come on! Forget this girly talk—Lets drink!"_ with that I had called the bartender over and order rounds for everyone. The night ended quickly enough from there though those words you spoke would not stop ringing in my ears for days to come. Though I remembered a quote I found online once which seemed to suit my own mishap situation, "It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return," though it was more the second part that hit home the hardest, "but what is most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

I am a coward, through and through, and I know that. I have known it for awhile now. I've known it so long that at some point I had decided it was not my place to be Zack's lover. I was pitiful in my selfish actions which had only grown worse the following summer he had come home from school. He had invited me to the movies with him and only him and though I felt apprehension as though the evening would end badly, I went anyhow. I was still bitter about your spring break from school when you had told me via email that you wouldn't be able to come home because you were so backed up on school work and yet I overheard Aerith telling Tifa about the week you two had spent together. Though when she turned and noticed me there I could tell she was not supposed to let me know. I had simply walked away then and decided to not bring it up to you or _her_. Though I figured she would tell you about her mistake to cover her own tracks you never brought it up to me and yet held up your lie about how busy you were as we grab some pizza before the movie. It made me realize she must not have told you. But it was fine I thought, I shouldn't be so childish. You wanted to spend your time off uninterrupted with your girlfriend, as your friend I should respect that…right?

And I did, up until the point we got our tickets and snacks and were on our way down the aisle to our find the room that held the action film we decided to see. It was then that your phone begin to ring and you looked to the caller ID before turning to me and asking me to hold the popcorn for a second. You answered, _"What is it, Aer?"_

It was then my apprehension levels rose tremendously and I lost the feeling in my hands and dropped the popcorn. You looked to me and then the floor and to me again confused and then concerned though at the time I hadn't realized had I had done. I just watched you, waiting for you to do you modest plea to her before submitting, closing the phone, and leaving me behind…

Though I hadn't expected for you to press the phone to your shoulder and look to me awkwardly before asking, _"Do you mind if Aerith comes to see the movie with us?"_

Honestly, I don't know what happened. I lost it, in the most ungraceful way possible. Initially I said noting, I only looked to you stunned. My only thought was, _he can't be serious_…

It was then, you spoke my name, and broke me, _"Irvine?"_

"_What…the fuck do you think?" _I spoke quietly, and looked to meet his gaze. Shock, as I expected, though I probably looked broken.

"_What?" _You asked, completely taken aback.

"_You heard me. No."_ I used unnecessary emphasis and venom in my words, _"Do you think this is some game? Do you think I'm an idiot? I know you weren't at school for your spring break but with Aerith doing Shive-knows-what and—" I paused because I could see the shock in your face and the guilt._

"_What? How did I know? Your little _pet_ should learn to keep her mouth shut at school. She was drooling and giggling over you at how you spent the entire week together as you showered her in gifts and adoration. Look you don't get it, obviously, since you both keep asking me to hang out with you both so I'll make it easy and spell it out. I don't want to sit here and watch you two make-out all night ok? I thought it was suppose to be __**our**__ night, not another one of your twos date nights. Can't you two ever be apart for one fricken day!"_

"_Irvine—"No! I'm tired of your bull-shit and lies! Just tell me the truth! Look I know I been a shitty friend lately, especially ever since you two started dating—and I'm sorry. I know I'm in the wrong but I cant help it." _I paused because the truth of my own words hurt even me. I had been a terrible friend lately, no wonder he lied to me…

"_Look…I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass lately. I-I guess I'm just jealous and a bit lonely. I know you care for her more than me and I guess it made me a little… look it doesn't matter…I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I'll make it easy. I'll stop calling, txting, emailing… and if it works out better that way ok. But it you txt me… I'll respond." _I turned ready to leave; I could hear the popcorn crunch beneath my feet as I moved. It was then you touched my shoulder and I felt everything collapse as tears rushed to my eyes. I couldn't face you, I'd confess and it was too late I-I had to go. I ran from your touch, out the theaters doors, I ran across a busy street and down two other streets and I didn't stop until I knew you weren't behind me. All the track I had been doing in high school to relieve my pent-up frustrations really seemed to be paying off. In helping me run from my problems, right, good one Irvine, haha. But as I caught my breath I began to choke on the sobs that had been threaten but know were taking over. Choking back sobs I quickly hit speed dial for Squall and in a few rings the phone picked up.

"_Hello—"Squuuaaallll!"_

There was a muffling with the phone and then, _"Irvine?"_

"_Squall –sniff- what are you—"You know you called Cloud's phone right?"_

"_I wha…oh that's why it didn't sound like you at first –sniffle- oh…must've hit five instead of two…"_

"_What?"_

"_Speed dial…you're two and Cloud's five…must've hit too low—"Yeah, whatever. Where are you?"_

I looked around and then noticed a street sign near by_, "Mountain View Ave?"_

"_Mountain View—What are you doing there? Aren't you supposed to be at the movies with Zack?"_

"_Yeah well…Aerith called and—"Do you know that's the street Aerith lives?"_

I looked around and noticed Aerith down the street in a yard tending to a garden, a pushed further under the tree I was taking shelter under.

"_Hello? Irvine?—"Why does God hate me!"_

I heard a sigh over the phone, _"We're almost there."_

It wasn't more than a few moments before Squall's grey sedan pulled up to the curb adjacent to my tree and I got into the car. After an embarrassing breakdown in the car, they dropped me off at home. Zack apologized to me that night over the phone and we pretty much went back to normal after that. But –

It was then the music stopped and I was brought back again to the present. I looked away from Zack and right below us was Aerith and Zack's father was giving her away in the place of her deceased father. My heart began to pound in my chest as the weight in my hand began to grow heavier and heavier. My heart sank as she took a set up and accepted Zack's hand. It was then the ghost of Zack's hot lips on my neck ran ravage in my mind. Booze thick on his breath as he whispered salutary in my ear, _"I love you, Irvine."_

It just so happen the priest was beginning to speak as I shouted out without warning to even myself, "Stop! I can't do this!"


End file.
